My clients are the best. They are kind. They ask me how I am doing right when they see me. And as an honest person, a few weeks ago I told a handful of my clients that I had been nursing a broken heart. I mentioned it on days when my heart was really heavy and I just couldn’t hide it. It’s been a little over a month now since the break up. I’m happy to report that I’m doing really well and I wanted to share my process of healing my heart (without getting into the details of my personal life). This is entirely possible! It’s helpful for me to recap and I thought that perhaps it might be of some benefit for you.
Share your weaknesses. Share your hard moments. Share your real side. It’ll either scare away every fake person in your life or it will inspire them to finally let go of that mirage called “perfection” which will open the doors to the most important relationships you’ll ever be a part of.
As with everything I post, I post what I know best and that is my own experience. We each have our own individual and unique ways of healing. I share mine to spark some motivation to delve into yours. The more we know about ourselves and are self-aware, the easier it is to be successful in life (whatever success looks like for you!). I do take on a coaching tone with this post, but remember to do what works best for you.
Break ups are a form of loss, so if you haven’t had a break up recently or don’t think you can relate to this post, everything I mention relates to grieving. I’m reminded that this is an ongoing process. It’s never linear and it becomes a part of you. And of course I’m going to break it down with a LIST. MY FAVORITE. LOL
So here we go:
- Cry your eyes out. Do not hold back on this. These tears will come back to haunt you if you don’t get them all out NOW. Just kidding. Ok, so not everyone cries and yeah, you don’t get ALL of it out immediately. It comes in waves. Often when I process experiences and feelings, I gravitate towards tears. It just happens and I don’t fight it anymore. I don’t make myself feel bad about it. I’ve come to accept that it’s just how I get things started. Let yourself feel all of the feelings. For me, I’ve come to recognize that I get this sensation in my solar plexus (just beneath my sternum) and sometimes at my throat. Where do you feel IT in YOUR body? Indulge in this chaos for a little while. Do yourself this favor. Sit in your car in a dark and depressing parking garage when it’s your lunch break and just let the tears run down your face. (I did this in NJ while at the Fascial-Pelvis class. lol) And then there was that time in yoga class a few weeks ago when fish pose opened my heart waaaay open and I had to run out of class before the tears started streaming down. That was an amazing cry actually… also done in my car. Ha.
- Realize that you are tapping into all of your past hurts. Not just this romantic heart break but all heart breaks. GET BODYWORK to help you through this grieving process. I had the most epic unwinding experience in MFR (Myofascial Release) class at the beginning of Sept. I credit this work with accelerating the healing process. I am dead serious. If I did not break open and let go in class, I would not be here in this state of clear thinking and calm heart. MFR has this incredible ability to reach deep inside of your mind to go beyond the thoughts. It gets to the feeling instantaneously if you let it. When we allow ourselves to feel deeply and let go, true healing can occur. Thank you MFR founder John F. Barnes and instructor Joan Miller (she taught the Fascial-Pelvis class that I unwound in).
- Surround yourself with all of your best people. I stayed with my brother and his family while in NJ and it was the best TLC ever. My sister-in-law catered to my silly low carb, high fat diet, she got my brother to bond with me by giving me the guy’s perspective, I got to see my niece play soccer (on the top ranked high school team in the country), and my adorable nephews distracted me with wiffle ball and I finally learned how to throw a football AND a basketball properly (Thank you Lucas!). Plus every day upon returning from class, one of these little men (there’s Logan too) would greet me on the driveway with “How was your day?” So incredibly sweet! It also helped immensely that their cell reception sucked (#7!). Needless to say, Bug hugs (from my daughter upon return from class) were helpful too. Being around kids in general is incredibly healing. Kids just know how to make you feel better. My daughter has to be one of the biggest empaths out there.
- Distract, distract, distract yourself. I fed my soul with a lot of my loves. So on the way home from NJ, I stopped and ate at a real NJ diner. I visited the amazing sculpture gardens of Grounds for Sculpture in Hamilton, NJ. I listened to Rainer Maria’s Look Now Look Again album over and over again on the drive home. In the weeks following, I went hiking and running a lot, I worked out almost everyday (yoga, rebounder, weights, tap dancing!), I met up with friends regularly and ate really good food. And amazingly, I managed to focus on networking for my business.
- Write, write, write. I’ve written a lot over the past month. Let’s see… I’ve written a lot of embarrassing emails and text messages, some really good content for future posts, and then there’s been the journaling. It’s all been cathartic and helpful in sorting things out and getting through all the stages of loss.
- Do not over analyze sh*t with your friends. Don’t look back and rehash what was real and what wasn’t. However you felt then (during the relationship) WAS real because you were experiencing it. Sometimes things just don’t work out. PERIOD. END OF STORY. Also, take none of this personally. This one was really hard for me. This ties into #10.
- Try not to see or talk to the object of your affection. It may be impossible not to contact them but try to limit this. Don’t make yourself feel bad for trying to do so. It’s only human. Especially if you were the one that got dumped. (Which isn’t exactly what happened to me, but there’s no need to go into that.)
- Get closure however you need to. Meeting in person was best for me, but it doesn’t always happen that way. Closure is one of those things that you coach yourself through. Your friends will watch you fumble through your process. Some will say, “WTF are you doing?”… Others will be like, “Jenny, DON’T talk to him!” and then there is the friend who says, “I’m glad you came to that conclusion on your own. It’s one thing to say what you’re going to do and another to actually follow through on it.” I think a subcategory here is talking to the friends who will call you out on your sh*t because sometimes we are in so much denial it ain’t funny! Which brings me to the next huge thing on my list… this one’s a WHOPPER.
- Acceptance What can come out of this mess is the realization of things you’d like to change about yourself, things you’d like to see in your next relationship, and things that you just have to ACCEPT in order to move on.
Attachment is the very opposite of love. Love says, “I want you to be happy.” Attachment says, “I want you to make me happy.”
—Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo
LET GO OF THE ATTACHMENT. Let’s face it. Sometimes we just get hung up on the idea of a person and we block out all the stuff that wasn’t quite right–every relationship has that stuff. My strategy wasn’t to dwell on that stuff and get annoyed (or mad), so I started to idealize the person and block out those details of how I was actually settling for less than I deserved.
10. SELF LOVE In the end it all goes back to filling your own cup first. You cannot love or accept love from another in a healthy relationship without loving yourself. And I mean, really and truly embrace every ugly thing you think is wrong about yourself. This is definitely a process. Your friends can remind you of how awesome you are but if you don’t tell yourself that, then you are not truly loving yourself. Believe that you are amazing because you ARE perfect as is. It’s a fact.
When you’re trying to motivate yourself, appreciate the fact that you’re even thinking about making a change. And as you move forward, allow yourself to be good enough.
But it feels like rejection! I think this is the one doozy that really got me upset. If only I was more this or that… etc. etc. etc. NO Jenny…. Sometimes two people just don’t fit. Or the timing isn’t right… blah, blah, blah. No matter how mutual a break up could be, there is always an element of feeling like you just didn’t measure up. Don’t take this as rejection. Remember you are “good enough” just as you are. Your match is out there. Be patient.
11. Moving on… Some people say you need to be alone but I do better by meeting new people. Hello dating in 2016! This meant the awkwardness of dating apps like Bumble and Tinder. (I was horrified I might see clients on there! But I deleted my accounts recently because #13… and I can’t stand the apps in general for longer than 2 days.)
12. Lessons learned I don’t think my brain or heart is quite ready to run down all the lessons learned from this experience. There are MANY. Most are too private to share, but I will mention this one… I learned that things can’t be forced. I learned that I need to let go of controlling things and allow the universe (God/life) to just take its course. So now I’m just trying to chill out and see what happens.
Instead of asking “Why did this happen to me?” Learn to ask “What is the lesson in this?”
13. Being lucky enough to find a new potential partner. I have options. I’m no longer hung up on Him. I didn’t think I’d get here but wow… I did it and I couldn’t be more excited about what’s in store for me in the coming months.
Thank you to all of my clients who shared their stories of how they met their significant other. It was so wonderful to hear the variety of ways loved ones showed up. And it made me feel hopeful that I too would have a new great story to tell. I love you all! xo
What has been your process of healing your heart? What lessons have you learned? What has helped you the most?